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Friday, December 26th, 2008

Time:2:31 pm.
il change

In French, and in a lot of languages I'd assume, the simple form and the continuous form of verbs are implied in one word. So 'it changes' also means 'it is changing.'

And I think that's more true.

I don't know if all people are like this, but I always find whatever I'm holding on to has changed. I'm always looking backwards, and maybe there's no way out of it. I know that today's monotany is tomorrow's nostalgia, but I live for what's already gone by.

This year, I had to change a lot. I think I learned that I could change, that I could survive being thrown into multiple worlds and then being torn away from them. But just because you can doesn't make it any easier, each time. I miss all of them, all of my different months and different years, and I wonder why I couldn't have just held on to one of them and made it my home. I've had a lot of good things, a lot of beautiful things, but in time, they've shifted -- not necessarily into something bad or good, but unrecognizable. Unrecognizable when you blink and look at them fresh, without the past.

And I wonder what other people choose to hold on to, and whether I have a right to interfere with that. And I wonder what they miss, what they regret, and what they look forward to. And I wonder if I'll ever know, or if these are the things things we're supposed to keep to ourselves.
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Tuesday, January 1st, 2008

Time:9:31 pm.
Everyone laughs when I tell them how I feel after this year. Because I tell them I feel soulful. But it's true. I feel like a blues song. Well, not necessarily. I feel like the kind of person who can write a blues song and put in the middle of a really fabulous record that isn't necessarily blues-y. My life didn't stick me into a box and leave me there, but it stretched me. Sometimes I think I love life so much more after the fact. After the moment. When I can just think about it and write about it. Maybe that was true about a lot of nights, and about this year. In the moment, I just want to listen to it.

I have this routine of reflection for the end of the year. This New Year's snuck up on me, so I'm a little behind and I have to finish up tonight. But even without doing all that yet -- I just know that I like where I am right now. I felt it today. I feel strong, I feel weather-resistant. I can sit through shitty days without fading into them again. I can sit through shitty times and for some reason, feel like so much more than them. I don't know when this happened, but I'd like to think it's a good thing.

A shift, a ball change, a swivel, and a continuation in the direction I've always been headed. In some ways, maybe this year obliterated my entire philosophy on life. But I was still here afterward.

I think this is going to be a good year. For almost everyone I know. And that's not naive Lisa saying that. That's soulful Lisa saying that. That's half-cynical, sometimes seemingly jaded Lisa saying that. But then again, maybe bad years are impossible. By all accounts, 2007 might have been a bad year. I think I have a lot of right to call it a fucking miserable shit show. But I'm not going to because I can't. There's was some good in it, there always is, and some of the best was from the bad.

So as Maggie might say, keep reading your damn book. Everyone.
I added in the damn part, she might not say it.
But she would say something like because you deserve it. You deserve to keep reading your book. And I agree.

Happy New Year. Love.
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Thursday, June 21st, 2007

Time:10:33 pm.

I'm too inhibited to go crazy here. But here, I'm crazy. I'm crazy. The longest day of the year. Why does it always mean so much to me? I don't write to remember, I write to extend. I write because I'm selfish and I want to keep it alive as long as I can. I watch the sun fall and fall and I feel like no day will ever be as long as the day I just lived, which is always perfect. And even though it's the longest day of the year, I never want it to end. Never. It's like the old man who hunches back to a premature crawl, it's the universe expanding and then retracting back upon itself. It's giving me everything and then taking it all away. It's the hangover. It's the lies. It's the truth. It's, supposedly, unstoppable. But I know how to stop it. There's only one way. Teeter on the horizon. Linger. Take a shape. A visible color. Orange, more than any yellow it'd been throughout the day. A ball of FIRE, sinking away, pulling everything alive with her, leaving only a shadow. And without light, how can you even see the shadow? It's no shadow. Below the shadow looms the black.

Getting dizzy.
2 hours of sleep.
There's no other way to live on the summer solstice though. There's no other way. If you want to be the person who wrings it dry, who has no mercy, whose sky has no border no horizon, you must love this day, you must love everything about this day, how summer begins with the death of the day.
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Friday, May 25th, 2007

Subject:lift up your weary hearts
Time:1:18 am.
So I just caught up with everyone's journals. Ha! Don't let that freak you out. Well maybe it should. Because I probably read your last entry, and you probably thought the days of LJ were mainly over. I guess they are. I mean, me, I guess I've just come to embrace privacy. That sounds like a really stupid way to compartmentalize something so big, but there was a time where this was perfect. Now, I'm kind of in this conversation mindset. It's almost elitist. A talk-to-me-if-you-want-to-know thing... it seems really unnatural when I go back through all these livejournals. I read an article today about how too much divulgence can be unhealthy, and I felt better about neglecting the old lj. The article made sense... in a conversation, we have a constant flow of feedback, so we know how to adjust what we say. When you write on the internet, you just keep going and going until it's socially unacceptable. I'm not saying that's always a bad thing. But in terms of interpersonal communication, I see the downfall. It's isolating! It's dangerous! It justifies my avoidance of livejournal! And I'm sorry, because it also kind of sucks, and it certainly has detriments. Mainly my being not being able to keep in touch with as many people. I don't usually forget about people. I think about them, about you probably, at the most random times, and I wonder about you, and I hope for you, and I'm completely serious. I hate how I find myself acknowledging and even agreeing with all this inevitableness. Inevitability. I don't know... there are no spelling classes in college... what is that about? I just feel like so much of me is closing off from the world, just because everything seems to be getting smaller. It is kind of scary. Small has its advantages, but so does big. That sounds like such a sexual statement.

Oh, and I'm not as manic as the last entry sounds. I was going crazy, true, but who doesn't. I really needed to come home. It was a hard semester. It was so hard that I started forgetting how good it was too, which is unfortunate. But I needed this - this -- coming home, doing nothing, save for reading, laying around, lounging in the comfort of what I know. And now I feel ready again. Re-energized. Who would have thought that Valpo had such capabilites. It seems impossible... but damn. Something happened, and I'm ready to take on the world, damnit!

I'll be at Notre Dame all summer. Save for some Pitchfork/NYC excursions... maybe some Chi-town. But come visit me. Seriously. No... seriously. Sometimes when I'm at school, I have these flashes of home, and I wonder if somehow there were all of these amazing people there at the same time who are going to take over the world, and people will say, wow... they were all from Valparaiso... that's weird. Most of me is cynical, and immediately shoots down that idea. Every place has its people, its quirks, its miracles. But sometimes, I'm skeptical. Mostly during moments where I'm surrounded by really lame people. And at those times, I can't help but think, maybe something crazy and wonderful really was happening. And whether my inner cynic or optimist eventually wins, either way I won't be surprised if we're all part of a revolution. There. I said it. It's out. Now it can begin to be true.

You people are flippin SWEET.
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Tuesday, February 1st, 2005

Subject:Lisa revisits the subject of flowers
Time:8:45 pm.
I'm going through these flower tags, and I just love it. That isn't sarcasm. I seriously love it. I love that one kid who came and bought four the first day, and put a first name, a room, and an hour. I told him it'd probably be better if he put the last name too. He looked at me helplessly and said, "That's all I could get" before he ran off to class. I love how half of them are completely un-serious, and half of them are completely forward, brave, and awkward, but trying to pass off as "just a flower". Then there are the ones in between, that people like to make look like jokes...but they're not. There are the stalker flowers - the ones where a girl gets 12 pink ones, all unsigned, or 20 flowers throughout the day, each with a slightly creepy but well-intentioned message. There are the flowers that people try to use for the dance...unfortunately, they probably didn't realize that these flowers are going out the day before the dance, and as much as I wish I could try to tell them in time, I can't track the nameless ones down. There are the ones where each tag has a word, and all together, they form a sentence. There's the girl who will most likely get a sentence formed like this as the day goes on: Dance, will, you, me?, come, with. There are the girls who send out anonymous secret admirer flowers to multiple boys...all in the same class, in the same handwriting. There are the ones I expected, the ones I didn't expect, the ones I'll keep secret for them. And then there are the ones where you know everything, you know everything that's happened between people, and it's all put on the line with one little "Happy Valentine's Day!" and it almost breaks your heart.
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Thursday, December 30th, 2004

Time:12:05 pm.
I think I'm getting better at outsmarting myself. In a good way. For example, this morning, I woke up, and I was in a bad mood. And I just wanted to sit around the house and not do anything and just be in a bad mood. But deep down, I knew that I just needed to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING, and I'd be fine. And then I got two surprise guests at my door! And now I am fine. So maybe I didn't really take control of that situation myself and fix it...but I knew what needed to be done. Hmmm. Maybe I didn't really do anything to help myself. Oh well. I'm in a good mood now. Did you follow all that?

Last night, I was talking about the world. And I was listening to all the places people are going and the places that they want to go. I didn't really know where I wanted to go. But I want to go somewhere. It just was one of those things that got me thinking. Then, this morning, my dad was listening to Alice Cooper's Greatest Hits. I tell you that for two reasons: 1) it is completely random and 2) the first song on the CD was blaring into my room. And it went a little something like this: "I'm 18 I just want to get out of here blah blah AHHHHHH I'm ALICE COOPER I'M CRAZY AHHHHHHH I'M 18 AHHHHHHH!". So that compounded itself with last night's conversations. And THEN, I found that the random book that has been lying on my floor for the past four months is actually an atlas. As in, it is a map of the world in a book form. So I decided to sit down and figure out just where I wanted to get around to during my lifetime. Thus, I began Lisa's Quest for World Domination, a list where domination does not denote dictatorship, but more of a *personal* takeover. Or just where I want to go.

So this summer, this will be my last summer in Valpo. And yes, the parents will still be slightly overprotective, so I can't stray too far. I will limit myself to 1-3 trips in the continental U.S. It will be difficult, because Indiana is surrounded by many, many boring states. Separating us from the epitome of my continental quest (California) are many, many stupid states, like Kansas, Nebraska, Wyoming, Nevada, the Dakotas, etc. I was thinking about Minnesota, because in the summer, I bet Minnesota is pretty nice. I've never been there. Seems like a decent state. Also, I like Michigan. Particularly, I want to be adventurous and go to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Even more particularly, maybe a little island in the middle of Lake Superior. Or even more adventurously, I could go international and trek into Canada. Perhaps. I've never been too fond of the South, so I don't really want to go there for fun. I've driven to Alabama a couple of times, and it's just not all that exciting. The other options lie more on the east coast. Vermont, of course, which I have been told is absolutely lovely. I'd enjoy a nice little return to Boston. Virginia. And North Carolina. That's probably where I want to go the most for some reason. And that's America.

Now, when I go to college, I'm going to study abroad for one semester. My study abroad will almost certainly be in Europe. I'll probably go to France or Switzerland, or maybe to a place where they'll let me speak English. A place where the language is difficult and they don't expect you to know it well or know it all. Like Budapest. I will go there for a spring semester. During that semester, I will make myself a whole bunch of friends, or meet a foreign lover. We will become so close that I will be invited to go on a backpacking trip during Europe over the summer. So I'll stay a little longer than I'd originally "planned" (even though I'm planning this now) and hit up pretty much every place in Europe that my heart desires. And my friend will be thoroughly European, aka well-versed in various cultures and extremely multi-lingual. One definite plan I have for Europe is to go to all of the little countries. The very, very, very small ones. Like Andorra. And Liechtenstein. Did you know that Liechtenstein only has about 30,000 people? That is about as big as Valpo. Chances are high that I will get to meet very famous Liechtensteiners if I go though. And consequently, on my European tour, I will attend formal governmental/royal dinners in all of the tiny, seemingly insignificant countries on that darling little continent. Oh, what a plan. This year shall be fantastic.

But I'm not done. I bet you forgot about Asia. It's okay. A lot of people do. If I go to DePauw, which is becoming increasingly probable, I will try to take a month in Asia. This could be difficult to manage, but trust me, it will get done. I'm not planning on China, Japan, or Russia. No. A little more southern. Chances are that Indochina will still be struggling a little from the tsunamis of last week. After all, it will take years to overcome. So I will go there, to Indonesia, the Phillipines, India, Cambodia, Thailand, and yes, even Singapore. This part of my plan - the Asian part- will probably be the most dangerous. I am aware of this. It will probably be more near the end of college for me. But I don't know, maybe it's just from some of the books I've read about the Khmer Rouge, or maybe it's all of the TV commericials about helping the kids, like little Michelle, who has to go through garbage every day to feed her family, and little Michelle was definitely from Burma or somewhere around there. I just kind of want to go there. And I will.

Last night we were talking about how everyone wants to go to Africa. Personally, I've never really wanted to go to Africa, now that I think about it. I have no visions for Africa at the present moment. Or Antarctica. Or South America, even though I would consider it. Like Chile, Santiago. South America seems pretty cool. Except I don't know Spanish. Damnit. Austrailia, I'd always dreamed of, since I really liked koalas when I was little. Maybe. At the moment, I'd prefer New Zealand.

Other assorted places that I would like to go to include: Cuba, Puerto Rico, and the Bermuda Triangle. Are we allowed to go to Cuba? I don't really know. These are places that, if the opportunity arises, I will grab it. But I will not chase them down.

And so those are sketchy parts of my plan. I hope I don't end up being one of those people who always talks about doing something, and then waits and waits, and never does anything. At least I've got some dreams now though. Truthfully, logically, maybe I won't make it to all of these places. But unless I have the mindset of vini-vedi-vici or whatever that is, I might not do any of it. So right now, it's world domination or bust.
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Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004

Time:1:31 pm.
Last night I wrote a really good entry. I don't really know if it was good in terms of content, but it was one of those nights where I just typed really fast and hit post without even rereading it. And I didn't reread it, so I don't really even know what it said. That makes me a little mad. But anyway, I was in a really good mood last night, just kind of bouncing off the walls with happiness and...energy, I guess, when I got home. I can't recreate the ultimate perfection of the lost livejournal entry of last night, but I do remember one thing I talked about.

I'm not ready for New Year's Resolutions. My break is a little over five days old, and it has been fannnnnnnnnnnntastic. 2004 is NOT over yet, and I don't intend to start working on next year until the last second. Procrastination? ...Or, squeezing every last bit of life out of this year, taking complete advantage of it, living it to its fullest, fullest bounty? I have ten more days. And I have high hopes for them. Out of the ten resolutions, I had from last year, I think I did relatively well. Some of them weren't things I could really write down and check off as I did them, but I think I did what I wanted to do with them. And I did accomplish a couple of things. Let's recap them, and see if I need to finish anything off in the next couple of days.
1. Keep my word....yeah I think I did that one pretty well. I tried to not to take on too many things too, so I wouldn't have to end up breaking promises. That was good.
2. Go clubbing (damn), dancing (I do that all the time anyway), or to DCs (yesssssssss check)
3. Get on the internet less...hmmm, considering I'm putting this on livejournal, a year later, I'd say number three is possibly a failure. Oh snap!
4. Go to a concert...ohhhh Ben Folds WHAT! ohhhh Death Cab/Modest Mouse/Walkmen WHAT! chizeck!
5. Talk to people I only see at school outside of school...hmmm, I don't know, I guess. Sure.
6. Get an individual state medal...eh, well, no, but that settled itself in its own way
7. California...drat.
8-10...I think those resolutions were kind of stupid. I can tell, looking back, that I just wanted an even number, because these were stupid, and I don't know if I did them or not, but I really don't care. They just don't matter.

But there's that, and I'm not making new ones yet. Because January 1st is just a date, and a year is just a method of time, I know, but I just want to wait and make a full orbit around the sun before the next list.

This has been a really good break so far. I'm happy.

Good things happen in threes, and famous people die in threes...but this is just random stuff about me in threesCollapse )
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Saturday, December 18th, 2004

Time:12:09 am.
Tonight, many important things happened.

It was a fun night.

I am exhausted, I was exhausted, and I will be exhausted tomorrow. I'm still a little sick. But...I don't care. Because it's Christmas break damnit, and I can do whatever I want. And I plan on doing a lot. Tomorrow, I will lay around, go running, go to the library, and sleep. After that...oh, two glorious weeks.

I had just about given up hope. But I don't have to give in. I never have to give in, or settle. Opportunities arise in unlikely places. And even if they don't evenutually work out...well, for right now, just having them float on the horizon is enough for me.

I get my pictures back tomorrow at two. That should be grand. Lisa + Maggie = duet gold. Karaoke machines...I have a little bit of a problem with them. I remember going to Wisconsin Dells when I was seven, and singing oldies at a random bar in a waterpark by myself. I had karaoke birthday parties in elementary school. My neighbor had a karaoke machine...not just a little stereo one either, a HARDCORE KARAOKE, with a screen, and 300 songs to pick from, and it was so awesome. And now...I cannot resist the karaoke. Recent incidents like Lindsay's 17th birthday...New Years...hmmm, tonight...all come to mind when I think of the words "insanity" and "karaoke" in the same sentence. I do get a little worried when I think about me in a couple of years, getting ready to go out with my friends, and someone says karaoke bar, and I get drunk, and things end on bad note. Probably somewhere along the lines of a flat high E or something. Yeah, actually, I worry in general about what would happen to me if I ever got completely wasted. I would probably inadvertantly kill someone. No...no. They would probably kill me.

Here's to all the people I saw tonight that I usually only see at school, the people I laughed with, the people who let me sleep in their homes, the uncountable number of best friends I have, the people who called me from Kansas, the people who never read this, the people I love, the people I miss, and the people I'll see in the next two weeks.
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Saturday, July 17th, 2004

Time:1:09 pm.
Whenever I have something really wonderful happen to me, I never want to write about it. Whenever I have something really horrible happen to me, I don't want to write about it here either. I hope people don't read this looking for true insight about my life. They probably won't find it. I usually end up on tangents, and while they're interesting, they're not necessarily insightful. They're just...safe things to say. Things I don't mind people knowing. But there's so much more. My best moments, my worst moments. I'm so protective of them. I like to keep a lot of them just to myself. And then there are those couple people who I'll trust enough to let them know. Sometimes I don't even think they realize the significance of some of the things I say. But that's okay.

This has been a fun week, a horrible week, a wonderful week. And I guess...I'm just sorry I'm not brave enough to tell more people why.
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Monday, April 26th, 2004

Time:8:45 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
I hate when tacos are for dinner and the sour cream is moldy, but you still have to look at the sour cream container when you're getting it out of your fridge and wonder, "Will I be able to put this on my taco?" and wonder. But then it's always, ALWAYS moldy.

I hate popups.

I hate bastards cutting me off, much like TWO fricking OLD PEOPLE did to me on Saturday.

I hate when my room is messy. I hate how I always forget to paint my toenails. I hate how I can't think of good ideas for any presentations or papers I have coming up.

I like when I don't procrastinate. I almost told Mr. Hurdle today that I started working on his paper last night, but then I realized, despite my enthusiasm, such a comment is probably unnecessary.

I hate getting mad at people, even when I realize that when they do things, they probably do them with good intentions. And even if I want something from them, most likely, it's better just the way it is, and they know it, so they're keeping me uninvolved.

I hate my dad's tv, and how it is always excessively excessively loud and I always have to go out into the hall, and politely ask him to turn it down. Then he gives a great big dramatic sigh and does it, but it's never enough, and it always bothers me.

I hate how my parents always ask me questions now. I know they're just normal conversational questions. But I...I'm really a mean kid, and I just like living my little independent life in my room. That's why my sister is exceptionally prying with them, she was brought here to make up for me, why can't they just accept it? I know if they ever want to have a good conversation with me, they have to start somewhere, but seriously...I never want to make small talk.

I hate going out into the garage to get cat food. I always get freaked out that some animal will have gnawed through the bag, and will fall out on my head when I pull the bag out. It hasn't happened yet. But still.

I hate how my eyes always get kind of dry. That one sounds really stupid, I know. But seriously. Like, I walk down the hall...and I feel the air hitting them sometimes and I'm like ahhh! ahhh! And then I go sit down wherever, and it looks like I've been crying. It's never good. And I don't believe in eyedrops.

I wonder how I constantly get this feeling of reassurance in my life, even though I seem to have so much bottled up resentment towards every day things. But I do, honestly, I sometimes worry about things, but then when I think about what lays ahead of me, I just feel...really calm. When I look back really really far into my life, I see some little things that fell into place. That I never should have spent time worrying about. I can't figure out if everything really will work out, if this little serene feeling I always have is real.

And most of all, I think I wish I had more to say to people sometimes...and when I say more, I mean depth, not area.

And I really, really like this song. I think it will always be one of my favorite songs.
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Friday, March 26th, 2004

Time:10:49 pm.
Mood: jubilant.
I'm hooooooome!!!

And I just finished the best vacation ever...it was so entirely perfect. So un-vacation, for me at least. I had my best friends, and we could sleep in every day, and do whatever we wanted, and we were somewhere new, and it was pretty outside, but no one knew us so we could be crazy, but someone knew their way around so we could actually do stuff!!! It was AWESOME!

Oregon is beautiful. Seattle is beautiful. We got there, and it was clear and sunny and there was the ocean...and it was like 60...just so perfect. And there were flaming liberals everywhere, screaming about Bush and smoking pot next to the water. We did my favorite activity - singing in cars - constantly. And we talked about nothing, and seriously never really stopped. Maybe we got a little tired of eachother, but...no not really. Even on the way home we were talking. Laughing.

On our first day, we went into Portland, just the girls. They have this thing called Saturday market, and it's basically like the popcorn fest, only the people who sell stuff aren't trying to rip you off, and there aren't stupid children/bees everywhere. I bought a skirt, a beautiful little skirt! Brandy got a poncho and some Chinese sandals with an Asian feminist band on them. Courtney got hot pink Thai fisherman pants. The best part of the Saturday market, in my opinion, was the wondrous food court. There were like 20 fricking little booths in this food court, and when I use fricking in this context, it is a good thing. And it wasn't elephant ears and popcorn...they were all from different countries!! WHOA!!! Like...Himalayan food! Thai food! Hawaiian food! Completely random food! It was awesome. The food...was my favorite part of my vacation. I ate good, and I ate a lot damnit. I have rediscovered my joy. I think I spent half of my money on food on this trip, and you may think that is normal. However, I was only responsible for one meal a day. That is a lot of snacking.

We went on a couple of trips...for instance, we hiked up a waterfall. Doesn't that sound lovely and naturalistic? Well it was. It made me naturally want to kill people who are against elevators, fricking morons. We climbed a mile...uphill...to the waterfall. I was dying. And I'm supposed to be healthy or something. The worst part was, you feel such a great sense of accomplishment after climbing all the way up there...only to see a 100 year old man and 10 million little kids who are breathing fine. Seriously. Of course, I shouldn't be complaining immediately after telling you about my food patterns. We went to the Pacific Ocean one day too. It took awhile to get there...and we stayed for about half an hour...but it, AGAIN, was gorgeous. However, if I could describe it in one word, it would be: FROTHY. And that isn't an inside joke. It's really how I would describe it, quite honestly.

So you want to hear about my wild, sexually explicit spring break escapades? It's so unfortunate that I return with none. I didn't really see any guys the entire time. Well, rather, I didn't speak with any. One night, our last night, we prepared to do our inaugural clubbing...but alas, it was not meant to be. The Quest, the trashiest underage club in Portland, failed us. We went, thinking it was Ladies Night, as every Thursday supposedly is, but they were FRICKING CLOSED!!!! Then, some random men directed us to the only other underage club in the city....which was a gay club called Panarama, whatever that means. So it was no Cancun, and devoid of sex, unless you count the 8 hours of Sex and the City that we watched.

Some other random memories from my vacation that you may or may not be interested in reading about:

- passing by a drunk Asian man laying across a stairwell and hearing him tell Emily's dad that he was his long-lost uncle

- playing Scattegories with Erica (FOR EXAMPLE: Something black that begins with the letter L -- Ludacris; A mode of transportation beginning with K -- kantrain; Something round beginning with J -- Jewish faces, fat ones)

- having a man come up to Brandy, and upon seeing her shirt asking her if she was "into Ghandi and all that meditation stuff", then asking her if she believed in Jesus too...when she says yes, he then chides her for believing in multiple gods and tells her that Jesus is the only savior...then asks her if she's seen the "Jesus movie"

- yelling at the children neighbors from Emily's window...telling them that I was a ghost...then engaging in normal conversation/asking them about their lives as they rode their 7 year old bikes around the street

- watching Courtney dance around, snapping her fingers, for no appareant reason while wearing cornrows

I need to stop. Some of this should be kept sacred. I hope you have enjoyed my recap of........

MY OREGON VACATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Sunday, February 8th, 2004

Time:10:13 am.
Mood: drained.
So I have pneumonia!

It's really weird. It just - came. I mean, Thursday night, I was fine, had my SAT scores, watched some TV, wrote in my journal, blah blah blah - then Friday morning, BAM! I wake up and death becomes me!

I haven't missed any school in like the last two years...and plus, I mean, whenever I do stay home from school, halfway through the day I'm like, I should've gone because now I feel fine and now I'm just going to get makeup homework up the wazoo. So on Friday I figured I might as well try to go in halfway through the day. I got there for math class - because that class would screw me over the most if I missed it. It...was pretty bad. I...shouldn't have come. I mean, first of all, I had to park in the fricking mouly lot when I got there, and make that long desperate trek into the school. And then, in the words of some nice little people I call my friends, I looked like I was one of the living dead. I'm sorry I had to subject everyone to the sight. So after math class, which somehow, I got through, I went up to student aide in the office. I don't really know what happened after that. I got kind of...delirious. And I started crying. I had a fever, so they sent me home. Then I came home and passed out for three hours, and missed my doctor's appointment, but heyyyy it's all good because they let me come late. At the doctor's office, women wouldn't let their kids come near me, but I hate kids, so that was kind of nice.

As you've probably noticed, I'm still a little out of it. Oh well. I shall continue.

So anyway... the doctor's like "You have pneumonia, you're going to feel like crap for the next couple of days and it's only get to get worse before it gets better, I hope you're excited, here are some drugs - take them EVERY FOUR HOURS! SET YOUR ALARM CLOCK THROUGH THE NIGHT! and come back on Monday". Actually he didn't really say it like that. My doctor's cool. He was a lot nicer than I have portrayed him.

I guess that's the end of the story...since then I have been stuck in weird deliriums. Today I'm better, but yesterday was WEIRD. Fever dreams are the weirdest ones. I...oh goodness, I'm getting a little scared remembering them...okay I'll recount one of my dreams for you all, this was a moderately frightening one.

So me and these random three people decided to go to Lowell. We stopped at the waterpark, where I was driving a Jeep on a waterslide. I crashed into the wall. There were stop signs every 10 feet on the waterslide, and I couldn't stop at them all, so I got arrested. Then we took the cop to Lowell with us. In Lowell, there was an America parade. There were lots of hot dog vendors. When I was wandering alone, I felt a tap on my back. I turned around, and a priest had his back to me, but he had ARMS COMING OUT OF HIS BACK. Then he started screaming at me. AHHHH!! AHHH!!! AHHH!!! I ran away and tried to find my Lowell friends. The police officer wanted to find some criminal, and the three people that came with me were in a bathroom at a bar with people from the Howard Stern show. Then I woke up. The end.

I can usually analyze my dreams, but...no. No. There is no way.

I'm getting a little dizzy sitting here...so uh...I think I'm going to go make my mom cook me some food and I'll take a nap or something. I probably only have like 2 more days of being REALLY sick after all, so I need to take advantage of it.
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Thursday, January 1st, 2004

Time:11:44 pm.
Alright, now I shall continue.

Note...read the entry below this one first, then come to this one...it was getting long so I decided to split it up in case there was some sort of limit as to how long these entries could be.

July 2003:
July was the month of my vacation with Danielle and her family. There was soooooo much introspection. To start of the month though, I got a new journal. This was a big thing. It was only the third true journal of my life. It was weird...I got my first little diary that I wrote in when I was like 9. On the first page, I listed my goals. Once those goals were accomplished, I got a new one. Well that journal was the first two years of high school...but after June, I felt like I accomplished the goal I had written at the beginning of the second journal. So I got a new one. But back to the vacation. I thought about my friends a lot. I thought I was missing so much. I missed everyone terribly. I got homesick - more than I ever thought I would. Because I'd never gotten homesick before. I had this CD of like 60 songs that totally got me through that vacation, with all of the breakdowns and long days of driving. And yes, in July, I discovered Journey. I can just picture myself, sitting in the dark back room of the R.V. lip synching to all of the songs so loud and wishing I was home. I got hooked on the Remedy, and Closing Time, and I really listened to all the lyrics of songs. I think right at the end of July, our dance class ended. I had so much fun with that. Wow I'm getting back into June. But June was important. I guess June was more than the beach. June was dance class too. And making Erica's video. I had such a blast doing that. After I got back from my vacation though, I really hadn't missed much. Everyone was all scattered around, a whole bunch of people were gone. And we never really got to get back to June. We had some fun times, but it was nothing like the everyday stuff. It was kind of weird. I do remember Lindsay's party though, and how it made me love my friends. Singing karaoke. Oh geez. I need to stay away from those things.

August 2003:
August started out with cross country camp. I had looked forward to camp, and it was pretty fun. I brought a cd to camp - Right Thurr, The Remedy, Shake Ya Tailfeather, Rescue Me, Pour Some Sugar On Me, Shook Me All Night Long - those were my favorite ones on it. No one knew what to think of the freshmen at camp. I remember thinking how this could definitely be one of our best teams ever. I remember how I worked so hard at camp, I was so excited for cross country. And I was right - we did have one of the best teams we'd ever had. But I ended up being disappointed. I don't know where I went wrong. I couldn't have worked harder at camp. It sucks thinking how I got through all of the hard runs - thinking hard work always pays off. Ehhhh enough about that. Erica spent a week at my house, we watched the Jacqueline Kennedy story, made collages (okay, I made them), and had a dinner party. We came back from camp and everything had changed with a lot of people. It was weird for awhile. We went to the beach a couple of times before school ended, but it wasn't isolated like it had been at the beginning of summer. It was crowded, the water was dirty. It was still pretty fun though. School started, and it was like it had never stopped. I had some new people in my classes, some people I'd always known, it seemed like a good year was in order. I was excited. There was a week in August where things were really bad, and I'll probably never forget that week. Then Laura Stillwell died. I remember just going out to run on the day of her wake, and it was raining, and I didn't know what to think. Then I saw Megan and we just cried.

September 2003:
September - I remember barely anything. I guess that is what cross country season does to you. I think the September song was Baby Boy by Beyonce and Sean Paul. Maybe Sugar Sugar. I don't know. I was working hard at everything. School...running...running was going awesome. I was running awesome. I remember New Prairie - we broke the record I think for lowest score, and Julie, Me, and Lauren all came in together. Tina was there and I remember her saying with a laugh, "You guys are doing so good now...it has me worried a little...how can you get better?". School was a breeze. I don't remember much about September. My ninety days ended. We worked on the homecoming float a lot. I think we crashed the Munster party in September. I did the powder puff game. September is a mystery though, for the most part...

October 2003:
Was homecoming in October or September? I can't remember. I think October. I had really wanted to go to the dance, but there wasn't anyone I really wanted to go with so I kinda knew I wouldn't go. October was pretty bad too. Haha ohhh...the bad months have to come along with the good months. Just everything with running, when I got hurt and stuff, and I kept thinking I would be able to make it back, no problem, and every day it was just never better. I didn't know what to do. Just from that I was screwed. I had no time to try different things...and I ran out of time in the end. The team ended up having a good season, but it was frustrating having everyone else do so well and having me just fall further back. That was horrible...those weeks in October....trying to stay positive. I wanted to cry after like every run. And I usually did. I was always in a bad mood. Oh I hate October. Actually, I don't know. When I wasn't thinking about running, the month wasn't bad. I can remember talking with Jagan a lot, and I can remember being normal at school. I wasn't in a deep depression or anything. October...I think that was a weird month.

November 2003:
November was fun. After the initial getting a little mad about my state race wore off, I finally got kind of happy. I realized how much I was going to miss everyone on my team, and I decided I didn't want state to be the race I ended on. I went to Footlocker, I didn't train too hard for it, and ended up being really satisfied with how I did. I finally got my injury crap fixed. I remember going to see Shobha's play in Munster, laughing with Robby and Allissa...feeling a little out of place, but we had fun. Panera ripping me off (not your Panera Laura). Going to state convention...on the short bus...being followed around by this random kid...having some good conversations with people I never knew before. The busride back, everyone was just talking, and seemed really excited. We all had these grandiose ideas, but you know what? We actually did some of them. And of course, searching for the G Unit CD. I got to have my party in English class, and I took the decorations in my car and let them hang out my door for like two weeks. I had Crazy on You stuck in my head all month.

I'm not sure I want to do December. It's too recent. And besides, this is not turning out how I wanted it to. There are so many memories I know I'm forgetting. I could write...I don't know an encyclepedia probably on all of the random stuff going through my head. But I'm not really worried anymore. I think I just proved to myself that I can remember it. One reason I write so much in my real journal is because I want to remember. However, I usually don't end up writing specific stuff. I right down ideas, emotions. It's not really necessary to write down every little thing that happened I guess. I'll always have it. I remember way too much than is good for me...I could probably name a random memory with every person reading this. But I'm done. I mean...look how much what I wrote changed from January to the November one...I guess that shows how much this year changed me. It was a wonderful year, I wouldn't trade it for anything.
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Time:11:41 pm.
Mood: nostalgic.

So it's 2004. 
That always seemed so far away.  I'm turning 17 this year.  I remember thinking about being 16, 17.  I thought 14 would be the best age ever.  Then again, nothing is ever what I expect.  I've given up on expecting.  Hoping - that's okay, that's acceptable.  But expectations?  They're absolutely pointless, and have always set me up for a let down.  I guess I'm just going to let life throw things at me, and be surprised, and see how it goes.  On the other hand, I may end up hooked on crack and living in a box when this experiment is over.

Oh well.

Everyone has been reflecting a lot in their journals lately.  I've just been doing a lot of reflecting period - it's what I do best.  It's a great time occupier.  But I have thought so much through lately, that I don't really want to write all of it out.  I'm going to try something different...maybe just go through my year, month by month, and pick out a memory.  This might not work.  Did you ever notice, how when you have a picture of something, it becomes all you remember of wherever you are?  So many memories are lost.  I mean, I see a picture, and I can remember taking it, remember what was going on around me, the sounds, the people.  But whenever I think of something - like a party or something - that picture slowly becomes my only recollection as time goes on.  It's kind of sad.  I bet I've lost a lot of memories, but maybe I'll be able to scrounge up something out of the ordinary to put in here.  Maybe.

January 2003:
Okay, so I looked for what songs I downloaded in this month, and I found "Grey Street".  Wooo I love this idea.  The memories are coming back.  I loved that song so much.  January was a good month.  It was the month where I found my friends.  We had our first bball practice then, and I remember my sleepover afterward.  I remember...knowing that these people would be my friends.  We had so much fun.  I remember going ice skating and sledding with Allissa, Erica, Brandy, and Emily.  I remember driving around, because more and more people were starting to drive.  I remember finding Breanne again, and going to see a play with her in Schereville.  But mostly, I remember our basketball team.  Our parties.  Staying up late, goofing around.  We had so much to talk about...none of us knew eachother.  That was January.

February 2003:
Oh, I remember my February music.  Total old school.  I had a mad Paula Abdul craze that no one understood, and I found it so crazy that the song Bombs Over Baghdad was coming true.  I remember bringing in my Paula Abdul CD and playing "Cold Hearted Snake" for my English class because I thought it showed what Cathy-Kate was like.  Ughhh East of Eden.  That must have been February.  Every day, talking about the dance.  It started off that all of the girls were going to go together in a big group, but slowly everyone got a date.  Ugh the drama of the dances.  Haha I remember Robby and Kayleen wanting me to ask Jagan - I was like, no way am I going with some kid I don't even know!  I had never even talked to him.  Every day, hearing about the dance.  I remember going out with Danielle and Erica after the basketball game - probably my first trip to El Amigo, then going to Denny's and eating pie. 

*Wow.  This entry is going to be long.  It's mostly for me to reminsce, but read on if you wish.
March 2003: 
Man, what the heck happened in March?  I wrote in my journal like once, and downloaded like 2 songs.  But nonetheless, I remember - going to see Drumline at the movie theater.  Completely random memory.  With Matt, Erica, and Allissa.  I went to Bomber for track - that was awesome.  Seeing Chesterton, they did horribly I think, and having Racheal get all mad because we got 3rd.  She told us we'd have to punish ourselves by running up this huge hill on a cooldown.  She was the only one who did it.  Someone stole Danielle's uniform.  And I saw a bong for the first time.  They were selling them at this store at IU.  Spring break - I know I had a fun one.  It was home, but it was beautiful.  And I was really excited for track because I was working really hard.  I think Jagan's party - the cake fight party - might have been in March. 

April 2003:
Alright, it took a little searching, but I found some April memories.  I think I was pretty busy with track.  But I know this is around the time I met Lindsay, and we started doing our drivebys and stuff.  I really liked the Sean Paul song, and I can remember driving in her car, with her and Kayleen,  listening to it.  Yes, a random flash.  We had a party at Erica's house - for no reason - and me and Courtney made totally weird signs oompaloompas everywhere.  I remember dancing a little, but the party really got started when we played truth or dare.  Someone's question was, if you could be any type of cloud, what type would you be?  I think Katie Scannell or Roc, Perrine's French friend, asked thate one.  And Katie ended up calling some lady and saying she was from the American heart association.  I called someone, and sang.  It ended up being an old woman, and she said I had a beautiful voice.  She was really nice.  Courtney, Erica, and I watched the Avenging Disco Godfather the next day.  It was horrible.  One last thing - this was when I got frostbite on my leg.  Ha. Yes.  It can really happen...from an icepack.

May 2003:
Track got really bad in May.  That made everything harder.  I had my birthday party  - but I don't know, I don't remember that as a great memory.  I don't know why.  I just remember being in a bad mood, because of my family, and I don't know, I just don't like throwing parties I guess.  It was pretty funny seeing everyone get dressed up though.  And Tim and Jagan's Mexican mustaches, having me slam open the pinata, and seeing Nazur show up against the will of his family/religion.  From reading my journal...wow...I think I was a little emotional about getting my hair cut.  But then again I think that was just everything else cumulating.  Bleh.  Seems like a bad month.  But there were good parts.  The Grand March, working that, and getting ready for it most importantly.  Going shopping after school that day to Big Lots, and just seeing everyone all dressed up.  We thought we got the shaft job, working the front doors, but that's where almost everyone came in. 

June 2003:
June was probably my favorite month.  June was fantastic.  The last couple of days of school - I have so many pictures.  Dressing up in Goodwill clothes for the last day of school, and having barely anyone notice, or care, because hey!  It was the last day of school!  Going to the beach...I don't know, it just felt so crazy and fun and independent.  I remember going to Elise's the last day of school too, eating marshmallows, taking a walk to the schizophrenic lady's house.  Having Tim walk up at the beach...wearing that...oh man, yes, definitely a highlight.  Getting my license.  Oh my Lordy.  Getting my license.  It was a long hard process, full of mistakes and failures, but I got it, and once I did, I was gone.  I remember listening to Miss Independent a lot.  The week I got my license, it was all over the radio.  And it was so true.  I remember in June how everything felt so perfect, and I made so many realizations about everything.  June was indescribable.  Maybe I'm making it more than it was.  But looking back, June was perfect.

I'm going to start a new entry for the last 6 months.  Which will be sad because people will read the last 6 months before the first six.  Oh well.


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Tuesday, December 23rd, 2003

Subject:So it begins.
Time:6:29 pm.
Today marks the beginning of my descent into livejournalhood.

Will it be any different than the land of deadjournalhood?

I have no idea. In a way, I don't know why I'm even bothering to change to livejournal. I mean, I barely ever even write in these things. I probably won't be reaping the benefits that this one has over the deadjournal one. And I rather liked my deadjournal. Only like 3 people knew about it. I think I'm only getting a new journal because I wanted a new user name.

And I don't know if I'm going to regret this next part. But then again, I'm not going to flash my journal around for all to see, so hopefully only people who really matter and have really searched hard will take the initiative to follow this link...

to my old journal...now my journal of the past (oh my goodness, it's difficult to say goodbye to it...)


And here I stand, letting the world take a look.

So there's that.

Anyway...I took a long time figuring out a username. I like this one. To me, it's just saying that everything should be taken in stride, with a smile...and that anything can be laughed at. AAAAAAAhahahaha because I laugh at so much. I suppose people could also take with_a_wink in some sick perverted Lolita way...but no, those vibes were unintentional. I had wanted a username with "lovely" in it...because that is my favorite word...but some current unmentionable *ahem* circumstances took that word away from me (stupid word stealing bitches). Then I was thinking about choosing one with "lass" in it, which I thought would be funny, because every time you'd look at it, you'd see "ass". But, that joke would only be funny for so long. And that is the story of how I picked my username!

Today has been an odd day in that I have no idea where I am. I woke up at 11...I slept straight for 11 hours. That hasn't happened since...well...probably the time my mom accidently got me drunk when I was a baby. Yes, but I am very sick I think. Everything is swimming in front of me, which is annoying because it truly limits what you can do. And I have no idea what I'm writing. I can't read, or watch T.V. too well. And the pizza man came, but I didn't see that it was actually a woman until after I handed him the money. Wow I am so out of it. Is this what it's like to be on drugs? Why would you want to do this to yourself? Ick. I have to get away from the computer. It's compounding my headache.

What a wondrous first entry this has been.
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